Hello. My name is Ken, Ken Sean Carson to be exact. I am aware that there has always been some snickering behind my back. Shameless name calling. Innuendo. I am here to put a stop to all the rumors.
First. My new owner took a chance on me, purchasing a Buy It Now auction on E-bay. She rarely played with me when she was a child, preferring my girlfriend's frilly clothes with bows, feathers, furs, lace, and silk. But she remembered having me, neglected and forlorn. I arrived with my case in Mint Condition.
She was really impressed. She forgot how "buff" I really was. These legs are muscular, I tell you. My arms are bulging, and my stomach is taunt! You may not know this, but I DO have a hairy chest. I just have to shave it for my modeling contracts. That's where Barbie and I met. On a modeling job.
My new owner was amazed that my hair was perfect. My swimsuit perfect. Everything like the day I was produced. I came with a whole wardrobe of nice clothes.
Most of my clothing still had the inspection stickers on it. The original tags were unfrayed. The original seams were still pressed in the pants. Nothing had been laundered. As a matter of fact, it all looked brand new.
Now, I know a lot of people rib me about being "dainty". But there is a tremendous difference between having taste, class, and integrity and being "dainty". Sure I'm modest. Yes, I like my robe with a monogram, matching slippers, and towel labeled "his". What macho man doesn't like a little pampering sometime? Huh?
And it's cold ... it IS winter, y'know. My seersucker pajamas are warm and toasty. Didn't Ward Cleaver wear pajamas? How about Bob Newhart? Dick Van Dyke? Are they less of men? I don't think so. My pj's are brown afterall! They're not pink. Not yellow. Not even red!
And when I go out, I think a woman appreciates a nice sports jacket and slacks. How many second dates do you get with holey jeans and 4 inches of your boxers showing? Well ....
The truth of the matter is I like fast cars. Check my history. I had an Austin Healey, a Mercedes, and a roadster. How does that compare to your Mini-Van or Toyota Civic Hybrid?
And I don't sit on the couch on Sundays screaming at the TV. I actually play sports. I've been a football player and baseball star.
In addition to modeling, I've had several successful careers. I've been an airline pilot and a doctor. I'm close friends with important people. I was with Dick Cheney when he had his hunting accident (which BTW, today is the 6th anniversary of that faithful event - even without articulation I can outshoot Cheney). Would a "girlie man" carry a gun? I'll let Charleton Heston know you consider him a "girlie man" the next time I run into him at an NRA meeting.
Let's see now. I'm athletic, good looking, enjoy fast cars, guns, and beautiful women. Sounds to me I have more in common with James Bond. I do share the first name of Mr. Connery. But, that's not the only thing. I've been faithful to the one love of my life for over 50 years now. Mr. Connery's marriage is one of the most stable and long lasting in Hollywood ... since 1975.
So this Valentine's Day, be a little of a "pansy". Show some emotion. Buy some flowers. Go out to dinner. Maybe, you'll be more of a man than you think. At least, in your loved one's eyes.
